Thursday, October 15, 2009

Saying Good-bye

Just as quickly as he came Malik left our home today. We had a feeling that it could happen this week but after a mix up of court dates, and a positive meeting with his advocate, we weren't sure that he would leave. In some ways we were thinking the courts would change the course of action and somehow choose to keep him with us. DFACS called me at around 11AM this morning and said that the judge had granted guardianship to Ms. Jackson (a friend of Malik's family). I was told to have all of his things packed by 1:30. That was it.

My immediate reaction was one of deep sadness. On a number of levels really. Although it's been a difficult 3 months saying good-bye to Malik closed a chapter, (at least for now), in our lives. I feel sad because our hearts had hoped that he would become our son. He had already begun to bond with our kids and with us. He learned how to eat, crawl, cruise and stand while he lived in our home. He started talking and using da-da and ma-ma when we were around. Although we would pass on his scream :-) his squeels of delight were a joy to us all. I will really miss seeing him and having him as a part of the Chadwicks.

As I type my eyes and heart are so very full right now. Maybe I'm hoping that this will help to heal this sore spot that his absence has left. We prayed for Malik as a family before he left. We prayed that God would not forget him and that some day he would be a son of God. Honestly we have no regrets. We had a dream and went for it. It didn't work out the way we planned but we have to trust that we obeyed God and we pray that He was honored by the past 3 months of our lives.

Please pray for our family and mostly for Malik. His mother is currently not complying with her requirements to obtain custody of him. As always kids are resilliant, but Ian and I are sad. I know the sadness will go away and time will ease the ache, but today we just miss him and we are putting to rest the idea that he would be a part of us forever. At some point in our lives we do hope to be on this journey again, but for now it seems wisest for us all to wait.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

First Trimester- A challenge

Although I love being pregnant, the first trimester of pregnancy is always a little tricky. I'm always eager for those signs that show the world that something is really going on in there. Also, my personality is one where It's really easy for me to hold back emotion and I feel like I've been doing that this time around more than normal. Honestly I think I've heard story after story of pregnancy loss or newborn deaths and the reality of the fact that things don't always turn out the way that you want them to is staring me in the face. So I admit, I've been holding back a bit. That combined with a busy lifestyle and the unknowns of Malik have just left me feeling.....weird. I just keep moving and hoping that another week passes quickly. Another week to check off and get me on to the next. I know, however, that that's not how it's meant to be.

Even as I type this I am reminded of the scripture that says, "This is the day that the Lord has made, we should rejoice and be glad in it." It's probably one of the first verses that I memorized as a child because I can remember my dad saying it all the time. (Thanks Dad!) My challenge right now is to stay in each day, to be thankful for the nausea and other pregnancy unmentionables that are going on. They serve as reminders to me that today I am carrying a little miracle inside of me and what a gift that is.

Please pray along with me that I can celebrate each day and put the rest in God's hands.